some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
