its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
