If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Enjoy the penises
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
