I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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