i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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