so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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