a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
