I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
