It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
