I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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