dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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