I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
