I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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