I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
