Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
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i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
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So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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