I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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