Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
