My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
