My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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