the condom got lost in my hair
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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