I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
