did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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