shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
