Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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