My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
