it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
