Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
