why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
