The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
