Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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