omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
