Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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