Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
