having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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