I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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