this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
