Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
