He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
