how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
