She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
