I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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