I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
