i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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