I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
