"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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