I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
