I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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