I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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