someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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