he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
