wanna go halves on a baby?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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