who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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