drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
