She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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