do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
