No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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