Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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